


I'm Best Friends With My Doubt

by thaniveeverbean



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Dissociation, F/M, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, LMAO, M/M, Panic Attacks, Self-Doubt, Self-Harm, breif mention of hospitalization towards the end
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-22
Updated: 2016-07-30
Packaged: 2018-05-22 17:05:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6087652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thaniveeverbean/pseuds/thaniveeverbean
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tyler begins to doubt himself and his life choices, he calls Josh.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. shaking hands with the dark parts of my thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning for self harm. Disclaimer: I dont know if the 500 baskets thing is real or not but Tyler always seems pretty torn up about it so I think it is. I wrote this on my phone along with every other fic ive ever written so bare with me :^)

Recently Tyler hasn't been doing too great, he was starting to doubt himself and his choices that led him to be where he is right now. Which is silently staring at the ceiling in his room in his house in Ohio. With his wife snoring softly on the other side of their bed. He used to find that snore endearing. Now he can't help but think that because of his choice to marry her he will have to live with that snore for the rest of his dismal life. 

Tylers hands rest near his hips. Flat against the bed. He thinks about his childhood, it was fine all the way until high-school. He had a normal childhood albeit with a strong religious veil that already made him different from the other kids in his neighborhood. He spent more time with his family then out attempting to make friends.Tyler thinks about high-school and feels his chest tighten up in panic a little bit. He wouldn't say his family was abusive but fuck, stuff they do shouldnt fuck you up as bad as it fucks him up. Tyler has done enough research on it to know that making your son shoot 500 shots from the three point line every night is not okay. If he missed, it was a choice between starting over or going to bed exhausted and starving. Once Tyler missed one at 498 shots, he just went to his room sobbing.  
Thats not normal, thats not okay. His parents always let him know exactly how worthless he was when he missed a shot. 

Tylers breathing starts to speed up a little so he quietly slides out of bed, grabs his phone and makes his way quickly to the farthest away bathroom. Which is in the basement next to all his musical gear. He locks the door behind him and starts pacing, his hands clasped around his phone. Fuck, he doesn't deserve any of this. The success,the fame, the fans. He doesn't deserve the music. His parents used to tell him how he wouldnt make it anywhere pursing music. He shouldnt have. He's not good enough for any of this. Hes not good enough. Tyler sets his phone on the counter and buries his hands into his hair. He tugs at the roots roughly. He slides down onto the floor letting the cold linoleum ground him. Hes not good enough for Josh. Hes gonna leave. Hes not good enough for Josh. Whats he gonna do? He was nothing before Josh. He won't, he cant, go back to being nothing. Oh god, how will he cope with Josh leaving? How will he explain it? Who will he talk to? Oh god, he'll be alone. He can't talk to Jenna like he talks to Josh. Tyler goes to snap the rubber band he used to keep around his left wrist before remembering that he hasn't worn one for years. Tyler moves up onto the toilet seat. He rocks back and forth with his hands firmly beneath his thighs. What will he do when Josh leaves? What if Josh already left? What if he never comes back? What if he hates Tyler? Tyler hates Tyler. He pulls his basketball shorts up and starts digging his blunt nails into his upper right thigh, right next to all his other nasty scars from his teenage years. He told Josh about them once. He made it seem like no big deal so Josh probably assumed that the scars are more superficial and small then life threatening but Tyler's right upper thigh is thoroughly mangled. Its covered in thick red/silvery scars that on more then one occasion probably should have had stitches. He has never had sex with the light on. He is so afraid that Jenna will leave if she knew what he hid from her. He is so afraid Josh will leave if he knew what he hid from him. He so afraid of being alone. He doesn't want to be alone. His heart stutters when he sees blood. Nothing will ever replace the feeling he gets from seeing the small beads of red rise from his trembling thigh. Nothing, not even snapping a rubberband until his wrist is swollen and bruised. He stops immediately though when he realizes he has relapsed. After years of being clean, he relapsed. Fuck, now everyones really gonna leave. He grabs his phone, smearing blood on the screen. He dials Joshs number, Fuck its 2am on a Sunday there is no way Josh is gonna pick up. He hangs up. He sets his phone back down and begins pacing again. What will he do when they leave? What will he do? Oh god oh god oh god. Tylers phone starts vibrating so he picks it up and sees Josh calling he quickly answers.

"Tyler? sorry I missed your call." Josh says 

Tyler quickly sits back on the toilet.

"Josh." Tyler says quietly his voice rough from crying

"Tyler? Are you okay?" Josh asks sounding concerned

"I hung up." 

"okay...why?"

"I didn't wanna wake you up over something so, so stupid."

"Tyler its only 11 here its fine and I'm sure it wasn't that stupid, whats up?"

"I feel like Im dreaming, shit." Tyler looks around the dim room. 

"Tyler are you depersonalizing again? Are you okay? Are you with anyone right now? where are you?" Josh says a bit frantically 

"I-I messed up real bad Josh and I-Im just so afraid you all will leave me. I dont wanna be alone again." Tyler is starting to feel light

"Tyler, are you okay? What happened? What did you do?" Josh sounds helpless. I mean what can he do all the way across the country, cant fucking fly here. If Tyler decided to end it he couldnt save him. Tylers head jerks up.

"Tyler? Are you still there?" Josh asks 

"I dont know." Tyler responds he thinks he might but everythings real blurry and hard to focus on. "I dont feel real, is this a dream? Is this real?" 

"Tyler go get Jenna." Josh says slowly

"I dont love her." Tyler states

"Tyler!" Josh gasps 

"I married her because I thought its what my parents wanted and Im so sick of disappointing them." Tyler slides to the ground

"Tyler, go get her, she needs to make sure you're safe. You need to tell me what you did." Josh sounds demanding.

"I-I, promise me you wont be mad." Tyler is so afraid

"I wont, I promise." Josh says quietly

"I relapsed." Tyler is so disappointed in himself 

Joshs breath gets caught in his throat. 

"Are you okay, is it bad?" 

"I dont know, its so hard to focus." 

"Tyler you need to get Jenna, I need to know youre safe, Tyler."

"I dont wanna be safe, Im so tired Josh." 

"What does that mean? What do you mean by that, Tyler?"

"Im so tired." Tyler rolls onto his back. "I don't wanna be alone. if i tell Jenna she will leave and I can't be alone right now Josh, oh fuck, Josh, I'm alone I'm alone."

"Tyler. Get. Jenna." Josh is crying

"Shes gonna be so mad at me. What will mom think. Oh god I'm alone. Im alone." Tyler cries quietly into his phone. 

"Tyler. please go get Jenna. please." 

"Shes asleep, If I did it now no one but you would know."

"Do what now, Tyler?" Joshs voice is shaky "Tyler, you're scaring me."

"I love you. I have always loved you, I was just too afraid of what everyone would think, too afraid of what everyone would say Too afraid of what you would do. I couldn't handle you leaving. God, Im already a freak, I didn't want to be gay ontop of it all." Tylers body relaxes and he looks up at the ceiling. His mind is made up.

"Tyler...Why are you telling me this" Josh sniffles

"someone had to know. I dont want to die without anyone knowing that I loved you."

"Tyler!" Josh instantly becomes alert, "Fuck, Tyler I love you too, please go get Jenna please." 

"Josh, I don't want to be alone, even when I'm with her, I feel so alone." Tyler whispers

"Tyler, for me, please, please, go get Jenna. How bout this, Ill tell her, you hand her the phone and I will let her know whats happening so you dont have to tell her."

"You'd do that?" Tyler smiles. "You're too good for this world, Josh, You're too good for me, for this band." Tyler gets off the floor and looks in the mirror, hes a mess, he has some blood smeared across his face and phone and its trickling slightly down his leg and hes smiling like an idiot.

"Tyler, please, for me." Josh begs

"Okay, Im going." 

Tyler walks up the stairs and into his room. he gently shakes Jenna until she wakes up.

"Tyler?" 

"Josh needs to talk to you, I'm gonna wait in the living room."  
He hands her his phone and practically sprints to the living room. He sits on the couch and stares at the wall for what feels like hours. Jenna comes out fully dressed. 

"Come on, Tyler." Jenna say quietly handing back his phone she sounds tired and mad. 

"Im sorry." Tyler says grabbing his shoes. Jenna just nods

Its only once they are in the car driving that Tyler realizes he has no idea where they are going. 

"Where are we going?" Tyler says but Jenna doesn't react at all so he not totally sure he actually said it and now he feels dumb for asking so he just looks out the window and detaches from the situation.

When they get to the hospital Tyler realizes that he probably should have realized. Its the only obvious place to take a suicidal man at 2:30 am on a Sunday. When they walk in Jenna does all the talking, he just stares at his toes and hopes no one recognizes him. He still has his own blood on his face. She checks him in tells him she loves him kisses him on the cheek and walks away in a way that feels so final that he feels his heart drop to the floor. A nurse escorts him to a temporary room and let's him know he will be transferred in the morning. He feels stupid. He lays down on the stiff bed and stares at the ceiling. His minds too foggy to think about everything that just happened. He falls asleep with a frown on his face.


	2. Manic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler has to go to a psych ward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is short, sorry. Also its super late but im trying my best.

He's gently shaken awake the next morning by a nurse in purple scrubs. 

"good morning, sir. Sorry to wake you but transfers need to be cleared before noon and we weren't sure which facility you would prefer." 

"I don't know either." Tylers voice cracks, he feels static and glitchy. 

"Well most patients with similarities to your case end up at Saint Marys. Its a nice place, pretty large, very beautiful, it was built forever ago. I know some of the staff over there." 

"okay...will it be a permanent decision, or could i leave." Tyler rubs his eyes

"that depends on the psych evaluation." The nurse explains "if they determine you could be a danger to yourself or others they keep you until the deem you fit for outpatient care." 

"C-can I just go home?" Tyler asks, its all too real now.

"unfortunately, no. we cant let you leave." She looks just as nervous as him

"uhm...okay. so i guess, yeah, Saint Mary's is okay." Tyler has heard of this place. It big, old, and had quite the stigma attached to it. He is officially insane.

 

They let him call Josh, which he appreciates. 

"Tyler." Josh says, almost sounding like a scolding. 

"Josh." 

"Are you okay?" 

"They're gonna put me in psych." Tyler whispers. "is Jenna gone?" 

"Ty...she's....Jenna's just....I'm not sure Ty." Josh feels sick "she wasn't happy." 

"What did i tell you? what did you tell her? i can't remember anything! fuck. I do belong in a psych ward. I can't keep living like this... i feel manic." 

"like right now or in general?" Josh ask quietly 

"right now, i wanna be free. i dont like hospitals J, you know that..." Tyler leans back against the wall.   
"they're gonna take my phone when we get there...will you visit me later?" 

"Yeah of course... I already got the plane ticket back, i talked to both our moms. Your mom said some really mean stuff Ty." Josh says softly.

Tyler chuckles roughly "I'm not surprised. She doesn't care if i kill myself or not, she always thought i would do under her roof." 

"Tyler..." 

"What? Its not like she cares. She's never cared. She never said anything before, why start now, she knew damn well that I was fucked up, Josh. She knew it when her razors disappeared, when dads pocket knife went missing, when I called them from a rooftop, Josh, she knew." 

"Tyler I'm sorry." Josh is crying quietly, he never knew.

"Josh, what did I say on the phone?" Tyler is running out of time.

Josh is quiet for a little while, he contemplates lying.

"You said..." Josh sighs heavily "You said you love me." 

Tylers face heats up. 

"Oh...did you tell Jenna?" Tyler runs his fingers through his hair.

"I told her-" Josh is cut off when Tyler's nurse walks in to inform him its time to go. 

"um... I gotta go Josh. I'll call you from the ward." 

The hospital tries to call Jenna 4 times before giving up and escorting him to Saint Mary's themselves. They pretend to not notice him crying in the backseat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading, kudos and comments are always welcome. I probably wont write about him actually being in the ward, im probably gonna write from Joshs POV for a lil bit.


	3. Panic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> pov is tyler but only through phonecalls he makes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warmings for mentions of suicide and self harm and possibly eating disorder. be safe. thanks for reading.

/someone from saint marys mental health institute and psychiatric ward is attempting to contact you. To accept this call press 1./

-beep-

"Josh." Tyler tucks the phone between his shoulder and his face.

"Tyler, its been three weeks, whats going on?" Josh all but shouts.

"I didnt get phone privileges until now." Tyler squeezes his eyes shut and pinches the bridge of his nose.

Josh hesitates, "why not?"

"I wasnt...eating and i um..i did some other stuff that got me sent to medical then solitary." 

"Tyler....no...dont do this to yourself." Josh runs his hands through his hair.

"Its not my choice, Josh. My brains real fucked right now, im trying." 

"What...did you do?" Josh asks

"I...got ahold of something sharp and dug the flesh out of my left forearm, Josh." Tyler glances at the crisp white bandages.

"Fuck, Tyler." 

"I gotta go, lights out in 20" Tyler hangs up.

\-----------------  
/someone from saint marys mental health institute and psychiatric ward is attempting to contact you. To accept this call press 1./

-beep-

"Josh." 

"Tyler, come on man, when will I get to see you, its been so long." 

"I haven't earned visitation yet. Ive been eating though and im healing up okay so it should be soon." 

"thats good, so how are you? are you okay?" Josh moves his phone to the other ear.

"Im doing okayer i guess, im not sure. I still....dissociate is what they call it. They keep tacking on mental disorder after mental disorder. Literally right now im sitting on depression, anxiety, dissociation, depersonalization, possible DID, possible schizophrenia, possible OCD. They sure love giving everything i do a name and a pill." Tyler grasps his neck lightly.

"Fuck."

"I know, wanna know the worst part."

"What?"

"Im officially the most fucked up one in here, they haven't had a suicide attempt as serious as mine in 29 years. Everyones like...weary of me....they just kind of stare....like they're scared of what I might do...like im gonna fuckin de-vein them." 

"double fuck."

"yup...i gotta go, Josh. talk to you later."

\----------------------  
/someone from saint marys mental health institute and psychiatric ward is attempting to contact you. To accept this call press 1./

-beep-

"Tyler, what the fuck?"

"what?" Tyler taps on the wall in front of him. 1-2-3 1-2-3 1-2-3.

"Dont 'what?' me, the doctors have been calling me."

"so?" 1-2-3 1-2-3 1-2-3

"Tyler you need to try harder to get better."

"What? You dont think im FUCKING trying, mom, im on the FUCKING meds, im talking to therapists im FUCKING trying, mom. Its not simple, Its NEVER simple. My heads real fucked up and sometimes they cant FUCKING do anything about it, /mom./" 

"Tyler, i just want whats best for you, you need to stop cutting, they dont even know how your doing it, but you need to stop." 

"Its the only thing that keeps blurry away. I dont know what you want me to say."

"Tyler, this blurry business again?" 

"Mom, im not.. im not purposefully trying to make this difficult."

"Well it sure as hell feels like it, have you ever thought about how this effects me and the family? hmm? no you didnt because youre selfish Tyler." 

Tyler stares at the wall for a second

"i am. i know. you have told me before. i am selfish. sorry. ill try harder." Tyler says in a dull robotic voice. 

"Tyler, sweetie, dont do that. You know i only want whats best for you." 

"dont do what?" Tyler sounds empty 

"this whole receding into yourself, like you used to do in highschool. God, Tyler, your such an attention seeker! I take the time out of my busy day to answer your call, and this is what happens. are you kidding me? honey, i got to go." 

"okay, mom, i love you."

"yeah." 

-beep- 

\------------------  
/someone from saint marys mental health institute and psychiatric ward is attempting to contact you. To accept this call press 1./

-beep- 

"Tyler?" 

"Josh, baby, I st-stopped cutting"   
"Josh, baby, I stopped cutting" 

"Tyler?" 

"Its been real hard."   
"Its been real hard." 

"Tyler?"

"Blurry is back and he is so-so mad and and and and and and angry."   
"Blurry is back and he is so mad and and and and and and angry." 

"Tyler...." 

"The doctors keep- they are telling me hes fake...that hes not real...that i made him up.... but...fuck Josh....hes always right there." Tyler covers the mouth of the phone and repeats his words. 

"Tyler...when can I see you baby. I just want you to get better. I love you so much, Tyler. Blurry cant touch you if you dont let him. I love love love love LOVE you baby." 

"Im so close to earning the privilege, if i keep on track for an other week, you can come." He covers the receiver and repeats his sentence quietly. 

"okay, you keep on track then and Ill come see you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yall can yell at me on my tumblr if u want. its the same username as on here.


End file.
